The last five things I bought... And then brought back.

{Coat, jumper & tights from Topshop; shoes from Next}

Okay, I didn't bring all of them back. 

Yet. 

There's a running joke in our house that I manage to do all of my clothes shopping with the same tenner but never have anything to wear. You see, I'm a terror for buying things and only realising that they're hideous/badly made/don't suit me when I get them home and see them In Real Life. If something fails the IRL test, then it goes straight back to the shop for an exchange or refund; I don't have the space or the funds to keep things that I'm not going to wear. 

Still, I think the jumper and leopard print flats are probably safe from my merciless bring back-ing: stripes and leopard print and bling are my outfit staples and these replace similar worn-out items in my wardrobe.

The teal heels have already been returned and I'm wondering if the (unopened) tights can be brought back, too: the colour's great but I meant to pick up 80 denier. D'oh.

The coat is decidedly more Dalmation than leopard print, which is actually quite nice, but it's double-breasted, which I don't think suits me. That, coupled with the faux fur, makes for a bulky silhouette and I immediately think of the Michelin Man when I try it on (albeit a very chic, metrosexual Michelin Man. The Michelin Man by Marc Jacobs, maybe.)

In addition, the buttons are crappy, thin, cheap looking, plastic affairs and would need replacing, which is pretty outrageous given the price of the coat.

I think I'll keep the receipt safe for the next month. Just incase.

Winter coat lust (or: Part two in an occasional series of obsessing about warm, stylish clothes.)

I am determined to get me a new winter coat this year. And I'm sorry for breaking out the "w" word, but it could be worse. 

I could be one of those annoyances who have already started inflicting their countdown to the "C" word on the public. 

The thing you need to understand about winter coats is that the nice ones tend to disappear from the shops days after the first AW stock drop in August. If you see one you like over the next couple of weeks and it's available in your size, grab it with both hands, run to the tills, and don't let it out of your grasp until you get there. 

Thinking that August is too early for winter coat shopping is one of the reasons I haven't bought one since 2007, and that cream River Island number is well and truly worn out at this stage. I'm trying to decide whether to attempt a dye job or chuck it in the washing machine; until now I've always had it dry cleaned because the lining of the last "machine washable" coat I had from River Island shrunk so badly on washing that it was rendered unwearable. 

My other piece of winter-appropriate outerwear is a military style Mango number which I dearly love and get compliments on every time I wear it, but it's a bit ancient and not especially warm.

I really think that what I'm missing is a lovely warm faux fur coat like Kate Moss' beloved vintage leopard print.

{Wenn via Glamour}

{via The Cheap Girl}

{via Mystic Medusa}

{via Glamour}

Oh who am I trying to kid: what I'm actually missing is Kate Moss' beloved vintage leopard print and no other coat bar its identical twin will do.

Can someone please let Kate know that I'd be very happy to give The World's Most Perfect Coat a loving home should she ever tire of it? Ta.

Did you miss me?

You may have gathered from my extended absence over the last two weeks and the recent fancy beachwear post that I've been away in forren climes. I'm just home from Zambia - it was seven different kinds of amazeballs so I might do a dedicated post on it in a bit - and the post-holiday blues are a sort of swirling, sucking, seemingly bottomless whirlpool of darkest navy at the minute.

The great walloping comedown of landing back in reality after holidays is never fun - especially when your return involves placating a small white dog who is spectacularly pissed off at being left with his babysitter for the duration of your escape - but I'm finding it particularly difficult this time around. As my Twitter followers will know, I am currently iPhoneless and shoeless, clothesless and make-up less (well, almost) courtesy of some light-fingered *insert vicious expletive of choice that would make a fishwife faint here* who pilfered my checked luggage on the trip home.

That definitely hasn't helped matters.

I've reported it to the airline (South African Airways) and started the process of putting in a claim on our travel insurance, but aside from the loss of actual stuff I'm gutted that the hundreds of photos I've taken documenting the last 18 months of my life are gone, most likely forever. So is the protective sticker I got for the back of the phone in San Francisco last summer, which sounds stupid but it reminded me of that holiday and everytime I saw it.

And it was super cute, dammit.

Oh well. At least the dog is starting to gradually warm to us again.

And now we come to the swimwear portion of our competition.

I haven't bought a swimsuit since I was in my teens and actually went swimming regularly in the local pool. That was a black Speedo Endurance Medalist number, with turquoise and white side panels and a powerback for ease of shoulder movement.

With holidays on the horizon, I'm looking for one that's a bit more fashion than function this time around (although I should probably consider a powerback - after all, I don't want my mojito-lifting arm to be restricted.)

Something like these one of these retro-style lovelies would be ideal, if I could find a nice example for less than fifty quid...

{available from Etsy seller ThomThom Vintage; pic via Tais-toi, sois beau}

{£59.95 from For Luna}

{£59.95 from Anthropologie, size XS still available online at the time of writing}

{£59.95 from For Luna, on backorder}

That last one reminds me of something...

Oh right, it's just the Viv Westwood for Melissa heels that I obsess over in all colourways and designs.

As you were.

Talon-tastic Thursday: Good Romance

I'm not great at maths, so it seems quite incredible that I have spent a large proportion of my professional life working in banking, finance, and accounts, dodging well-meaning managers who were keen for me to study accountancy by night.

Beauty maths, though, are a different story.

Here's one equation that I worked out for Beaut.ie recently:

 {Foundation + body lotion = M.A.C Face And Body. Kinda.}

Today's Talon-Tastic Thursday is the product of a similar experiment. 

I added a bright purple glitter polish and a squishy black jelly polish in hopes that the solution would ape Deborah Lippmann Bad Romance. 

{China Glaze Liquid Leather + L.A. Colors Glistening Purple = Deborah Lippmann Bad Romance. Ish.}

Now, I know that Bad Romance also contains large hexagonal glitter, but I really just wanted to see if I could create an approximation of it rather than a true copycat.

Here's how it turned out:

Oh yes, works for me. I think I'll call it Good Romance.

If that hasn't sated your lust for a more Bad Romance-alike polish complete with hexagonal flakes, Revlon's Facets of Fuchsia looks like a good bet for a dead-on budget dupe.

{First sighting in the wild! Hand and photo are Eva's.}

It's not out until October, though, when it'll cost 9 of your finest Eurobux; I'll be quite happily making do with my DIY version until then.

Talon-tastic Tuesday: Scream for ice cream

This is one of my favourite manicures yet, and it's perfect for the currently fab weather in London. Yesterday I wore shorts and a t-shirt all day, and didn't need to put on so much as a light cardigan when I brought the dog for a walk at 8 o'clock last night. According to the forecast, temperatures are set to hit 28°C today and 29°C tomorrow, with nighttime lows not dropping below the high teens.

Sticky. I am very glad not to have to (a) commute to work or (b) wear a suit/uniform this week.

Thanks to the ice cream accent nail, this mani was also bang on for the Foodies Festival at Battersea Park which we went to Sunday. Artisan ice cream from Yee Kwan (well, I couldn't very well not have some with that nail) and Pimms and champagne ensured that it was a rather nice outing indeed.

At least they did until I tripped on a cable ramp thingy which tore a lump out of the nail on my big toe. My poor feet now look fuglier than ever; I should probably sue for physical trauma and emotional distress (and the price of a packet of stick-on toenails.)

If you fancy trying your hand at the cloud print nails - they're easy, honest! - I've written a "how to" on that very subject over on Beaut.ie today. No specialist tools required.